It’s ok to take things personally.

Written By Lacey C Sonnier

Taking things personally is annoying, frustrating, and it hurts. Personally, I really had no clue that I was “taking things personally” for the longest time until someone suggested I read The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz years ago. You may have read it too. 

If you haven’t, don’t take things personally is the second agreement. And as I read that chapter, I realized taking things personally was something I did a lot. As a sensitive person, I think that comes with the territory. 

As I read the chapter about not taking things personally I thought to myself, wow, this is the answer, I just need to stop taking things personally. Simple.

“Nothing other people do is because of you.” Don Miguel Ruiz

And then I wished really hard that the information I just read would be downloaded into my psyche automatically and I would just stop taking things personally. As if just by reading and being aware of this information I would instantly be changed. 

Unfortunately, that is not what happened. It was more like when you think of a white car and then all you see is white cars. When you first start to recognize things about yourself, sometimes, suddenly that aspect begins to show up all over the place. It’s as if the universe says hey let me show you just how much you take things personally. 

Just stop it. 

I desperately wanted to stop taking things personally, but this decision appeared to shift me into a different space where the opposite was happening. Into a ‘that which we resist persist’ space. Stopping or the idea of it seemed to trigger a cascade of moments where I was taking things personally. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until someone pointed it out to me which was even more frustrating. 

Sometimes I was told, “Hey, don’t take it personal!” And I would leave thinking, “darn, I took that personal?” Then I’d have to really reflect on the series of events that happened to figure out how I missed that.

The universe was working over time one week when I was told by three different people not to take things personally. I felt angry and frustrated. But anger is usually a motivator for me, and I became determined. It prompted me to go down the rabbit hole of ‘how to STOP taking things personally’ videos on youtube.

Every video I watched had at least a nugget of information that was helpful to me to some degree. However, I was NOT able to STOP. I actually noticed it was really quite difficult to just stop. And the harder I tried the more I seemed to manifest situations where I ended up taking something personally.  So I decided I needed a different approach. It became clear that I couldn’t just jump from A to Z. I had to slow it down, and break it down into baby steps. So I will share with you what that looked like.  

First, why do we take things personally in the first place? 

Well, taking things personally has a lot to do with rejection or fear of rejection, according to Elayne Savage, author of Don’t take it personally!

Dr. Savage states that, “Taking things personally is usually related to feeling rejected in some way.” She shares that when you are young, if you are seemingly rejected by those you feel you should be able to trust, repeatedly, then you “start believing that something is wrong with you.” 

This can develop into a fear of rejection that may end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Being able to understand the patterns or experiences that are contributing to how you handle the present is part of the process, but can be tough to face. If you find that you need extra support to acknowledge some of your past experiences, counseling is always a great option.

Being able to accept that you take things personally sometimes. 

For a while I did not want to accept that I was someone who I took things personally alot. Once I realized I did it, I just wanted it to stop, and skip the acceptance part. But when you skip accepting something about yourself and jump to trying to change it, your efforts begin to feel futile. The more you try the further away the goal seems to get. 

Taking things personally is a habit that takes many years to develop, it will also take time to untangle and change. And one of the first steps is acceptance. Carl Jung stated 

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

When I tried to just stop taking things personally it seemed to bring on more moments where I realized I was. I was not able to change things because I refused to accept it.

When you can, acknowledge when you are taking something personally. 

The next step is just about recognizing it when it happens. There were many times when I was taking something personally but did not realize it til after. It’s not necessarily about preventing it from happening, but just to be able to recognize and acknowledge when you are taking something personally. That can be just as helpful.

Many of us are not always aware of what's happening at the moment it’s happening. And that is ok. You just do the best you can and work with what you are aware of. 

One morning I was driving through a schoolzone on my way to work. This woman was driving behind me and she was pretty close. I was going to school zone speed limit, but she seemed to be in a hurry. As I glanced in my rear view I could see her get angrier and angrier the further we went. But I was not going to speed. 

I suddenly found that I was also becoming angry. I said to myself, “Why is this woman so angry at me?” Immediately after the words came to mind, I realized “Oh! I am taking this personally.”

I was then able to recognize that this woman did not know me, how could she be mad at me. However, she could be mad at my driving. When you are able to recognize that you are taking something personal you can separate yourself a little bit from what is happening.

Take responsibility for what you are feeling to regain some of your power. 

You may ask yourself, what am I feeling? Maybe you're angry or embarrassed. Maybe you’re feeling rejected or dismissed? If so, why exactly?

I know that when I make others responsible for the way I feel, I feel as though I am on an emotional roller coaster. But when I can take responsibility for what I am feeling, whether I like what I am feeling or not, it can help to let the other person off the hook. 

Lastly and most importantly, see what you can learn about yourself from these interactions.  

Instead of trying to STOP taking things personally, one of the most important steps is to see what you can learn about yourself from these interactions. 

Taking things personally did not feel good but it was what has gotten me in touch with some of my deepest and sometimes most painful mistruths that I believed. Taking things personally has helped me find and confront these negative self beliefs. 

I’ll give you an example. I once felt dismissed by a coworker at work. The interaction brought up feelings of not being valued as a member of the team. I wanted to share my thoughts and opinion but felt I was not given the opportunity. I left the interaction feeling embarrassed and angry. 

The next day, I chose to talk to my teammate and told them how I felt. I was not surprised to hear that that was not their intention at all. What I believed was happening, was not.

We make other people's behavior about us when it is not. If we choose to confront it, we can see that in most cases they weren’t thinking of us at all. And these are the “ding ding ding” moments that are pointing directly to a part of you that needs attention, so that you can let go of it. 

I learned two valuable lessons here, one, you can’t always believe the story you are telling yourself. Doing some reality testing and asking will likely disprove your theory. And the second, I learned from that interaction that it was me who didn’t value me, but was quietly demanding for others to. 

Demanding that others behave a certain way doesn’t usually go too well, especially if you do it quietly. 

Conclusion

In conclusion, you don’t have to make it your goal to STOP taking things personally. Because you can’t change something in yourself that you don’t first accept. It is quite alright to break it down into smaller pieces. You can start by considering why you may take things personally. Sometimes just being able to acknowledge when you are taking something personally can be helpful. You can use these opportunities to identify what you are feeling and take responsibility for it. But most importantly you can see what there is to learn about yourself in these moments and that is where the true value lies. 


 
Lacey C Sonnier

Hi! I am Lacey. I am just a regular person who happens to work as a mental health counselor. I’m here to share with you stories, ways to cope, or a different perspective to maybe help change the way you think.

https://laceycsonnier.com
Next

3 benefits of practicing better communication.