You might be attached to your problem.
You might be attached to your problem.
We all have problems and sometimes when we go to change those problems we may notice all of a sudden feel stuck.
Maybe you have reached a point in your life where you recognize something has become a problem. This could be in the form of old habits or patterns of behavior that are just no longer working. In counseling the types of ‘problems’ that show up are depression, anxiety, people pleasing, anger issues, unhealthy eating habits, interpersonal problems, communication, self esteem, etc.
We start to contemplate changing when we begin to experience negative consequences because of our behavior. But stopping is not that simple. What is more common is we try to change but often struggle or feel stuck. And this can be very frustrating. So what is blocking you?
What could possibly be blocking you?
When something becomes a ‘problem’ it is usually because we have become aware of the negative consequences that are beginning to show up. But what we don’t often recognize is the other side of the coin. The truth is our problems may also hold benefits and potential pay off that we have not yet acknowledged and are not yet ready to let go of. These benefits and pay offs are the source of the attachment and the reason you feel stuck. I know, you are probably thinking, “I am not attached to my problem, there couldn’t possibly be a pay off.” But hear me out.
Sigmund Freud called these benefits secondary gains.
What are secondary gains?
In my early years of learning about psychology I can remember being intrigued by Freud's concept of secondary gains. Secondary gains the benefits a person receives from their symptoms, such as receiving compassion that they may not have otherwise received. But it could also mean that a person is able to avoid certain responsibilities due to their problem or illness.
An article by Kanchanapume and Brown (2025), offers another definition stating, “secondary gain refers to the subconscious benefits a person receives from remaining unwell, often stemming from fears and/or psychological needs rather than deliberate deception or system manipulation.”
In their definition they use the term unwell, but this does not just happen for individuals who are physically ill. You can be attached to behavioral patterns as well, people pleasing is an example as I have mentioned before. For people pleasing, pay offs could be feeling safe when everyone is made to feel happy or you are able to keep the peace. That pay off is a big one and hard to let go of.
It’s important to highlight that a person is not consciously trying to manipulate the situation. It is sort of like a survival mechanism that kicks in, and is developed as a way to protect the self.
Freud described it as a libidinal drive that was activated unconsciously to seek pleasure and to avoid certain things such as anxiety and fear. When navigating life we ALL develop habits that feel protective in the beginning, but many begin causing negative consequences, and that is usually when a person seeks counseling. When we begin to notice the negative consequences, we cannot simply stop the behavior because there is something underlying why we are doing it in the first place.
In behavioral analysis, there is a foundational principle stating, "We do not repeat behaviors we do not benefit from.” This principle stems from B.F. Skinner’s theory of operant conditioning where a behavior is strengthened by the consequence that follows it (Staddon, 2003). This can mean that feelings of comfort are evoked by the behavior or feelings of discomfort are taken away.
In my own life I have struggled with anxiety. It showed up when I was asked to speak in front of people, going to social gatherings, uncertainty with life events, etc. This was a problem for me and I often thought about how I wished it wasn’t. A few years ago, I started to notice that when I would bring up this anxiety with people as a reason I was reluctant to do certain things, they would just say “oh well, ok.” And not give it much more attention. I started to feel silly for bringing it up.
Things came to a head when I was asked to speak at a family function and instantly I noticed my anxiety shot up and I said “Oh, I don’t know if I can do that.” the person who asked said, “Oh well, ok” and didn’t fight me on it. While I was in my thoughts and hesitating to give an answer, I observed another family member who I am close to get asked to speak as well. When they were asked there was not even a moment's hesitation and they said “Sure, no problem.”
During this exchange, I noticed three things happened in that moment that really jogged the way I viewed ‘my’ anxiety and how it showed up. Number one, when I reflected on the moment the anxiety popped up, I also noticed a brief surge of good feelings. Feelings I often refer to now as the ‘ooooo’ feeling. I was struck by that and was confused, why were there good feelings present here in a moment where my anxiety was also present. My anxiety was supposed to feel bad. I will speak more on the ‘oooo’ feeling in another post. For now beware of the ooooo.
The second thing that I noticed was that the person who asked me to speak did not fight me on my response or acknowledge my anxiety and I had noticed other people hadn’t either before that moment. They simply moved on. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was wanting a different response from them. What was I wanting to happen? What was I wanting them to say? Was I wanting sympathy? Maybe it was some sympathy, and to feel validated in some way, but I was not getting that. The anxiety was not getting the attention I appeared to be seeking.
And number three, the other person who was asked to speak did not hesitate to say yes. We were not that different, so at that moment, I asked myself “Am I capable of doing this?” and the answer was 100% yes. Though the easier, more comfortable thing would be to use my anxiety as an excuse and let myself off the hook. But was it worth it? At that point no.
I had been waiting for a moment like this and the insights I was gaining to help me change. I was being given an opportunity to make a different decision. All of these insights happened within minutes and I began to feel really silly about it all. It was the perfect storm of information that shot me out of my stuckness. I recognized that the pay offs were, being let off the hook, the good feelings that came up, the attention I perceived I was receiving. I knew that if I wanted anything to change I had to give up the pay off and the comfort the anxiety seemingly provided or I would always remain stuck.
I agreed to speak at the family function despite the anxiety. Because of what I know now, it was hard to let it stop me. Did I feel anxious that day, yes. And my goal is not for it to go completely away, I know it will still come up. I can still achieve my goals with anxiety present, I don’t have to wait for it to go away.
Making the subconscious conscious; becoming aware of the pay off or benefits.
The benefits of having a problem are subconscious, but you can make them conscious.
A lot of times when we are presented with the idea that we could be attached to our problem or that we may be benefiting from it there is a tendency to become defensive. But we often defend things that we are benefiting from. The goal is not to shame anyone for benefiting from a problem because it happens to everyone. The benefits of why a person does what they do are gold to me, because once those benefits are accepted and acknowledged the person is free to make a different decision.
To make the subconscious conscious, you have to put in a little effort. The thing that helps the most is self reflection and there are interventions to help with that. In Motivational Interviewing, a therapeutic modality often used in substance abuse cases, but can be used with most behavioral problems, a chart called a decisional balance can be used to create awareness of the negative consequences and the benefits a behavior is providing. I will link a decisional balance worksheet.
Something else interesting acknowledged in Motivational Interviewing(MI) is resistance. This is something that can happen when a therapist pushes too hard for change. You know resistance has kicked in when a person begins to defend their problem. You may hear a person begin saying “yes, but.” They may acknowledge the problem and then give reasons why they cannot change. That is why it is so important to get in touch with the benefits.
In my experience depending on the severity of the attachment, most clients don’t have a problem identifying how they are benefiting.
While the decisional balance helps to create awareness of the benefits and consequences and how your life would be if the problem were no longer there. It helps to put things in perspective and to recognize if the negative consequences outweigh the benefits enough to move towards change. Sometimes after completing this with clients, they recognize they are not ready to give their problem up. And that’s ok.
If we focus only on the ways your problem is a problem, we are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. This piece of the puzzle is the thing keeping you hooked.Literally, you may be hooked on the feelings your problem provides. This is easy to see in substance abuse, a little harder to see in behavioral problems. But it is still possible.
Why is it so important to become aware of the benefits and pay off?
It really has to do with the ability to change. I was watching a youtube video of Marsha Linehan one day (the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and she said we cannot change behaviors we don’t first accept. This idea relates back to Carl Rogers, he noticed that change happened the moment a person accepted themselves and what was happening. In a recent article by Ribeyron, J. et. al. (2025), it is stated that “Acceptance was the best predictor of mental health and well-being in our findings, thus further documenting its major role in emotional disorders and well-being.”
It seems that by acknowledging and accepting the whole picture of your problem, the good and the bad, there is the potential to feel more empowered, more in control, have more choices, and increase your wellbeing. That’s good stuff.
What can you do?
If you have the willingness to discover what is underlying the attachment and how you could be benefitting you are on your way. Developing your awareness surrounding your problem may be scary at first but the more you do this the more in control you will feel. There is no shame in taking steps to be more aware of who you are and how you operate in the world. But of course, it's always up to you.
You can use a decisional balance and reflect on the disadvantages and advantages of having the problem. Do the negative consequences outweigh the negative? Is it enough to push you to change? What will it be like for your problem to no longer be there? After your reflecting, you may recognize you are not ready to give up your problem, but you are closer now than you were before. Had I done the decisional balance years ago or attempted to reflect on how my problem with anxiety was benefiting me I may have become defensive or struggled to see how it was paying off in my life.
We are all in different paths and phases of life and you will know when you are ready. For now the seed has been planted and eventually the new information may become hard to ignore and might be the thing that pushes you to make a different choice about your problem.
Conclusion
We are all attached to our problems at some point or another. Secondary gains may be the reason you are attached. These are the subconscious benefits and pay off you are receiving from having the problem. But these gains are also the thing that are keeping you stuck and worth investigating not to be ashamed of. If you can have the courage to discover how your problem is benefiting you, this can be the key to unlocking your stuckness. Once you can accept how exactly your problem is functioning in your life, you can have the ability to choose differently.
References:
Aviram, A., & Alice Westra, H. (2011). The impact of motivational interviewing on resistance in cognitive behavioural therapy for generalized anxiety disorder. Psychotherapy Research, 21(6), 698–708. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2011.610832
Kanchanapume, G. & Calder Brown, J. December 2025. Delayed Recovery in Mental Health Claims: Rethinking the role of secondary gains. www.rgare.com/knowledge-center
Ribeyron, J., Shankland, R., Leys, C., & Duriez, N. (2025). Acceptance is a better predictor of anxiety, depressive symptoms, and well-being compared to other emotional competences. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, 57(Suppl), S86–S99. https://doi.org/10.1037/cbs0000430
Staddon JE, Cerutti DT. Operant conditioning. Annu Rev Psychol. 2003;54:115-44. doi: 10.1146/annurev.psych.54.101601.145124. Epub 2002 Jun 10. PMID: 12415075; PMCID: PMC1473025.
