Are you setting yourself up for being upset?

Written By Lacey C Sonnier

One of the biggest take aways of studying psychology and counseling is discovering just how complicated we are as humans and why we do what we do. For instance, sometimes we make ourselves upset by some of the choices we make. In some situations we choose the more difficult path even when there is a more simple alternative.

Two examples of this is choosing not to communicate in the hope that others can read our minds and the second is putting others in what's called a double bind. My goal here is to create awareness not to shame, because we all do this. We all make choices that don’t make much sense. 

Choosing not to communicate. 

To illustrate the first example we will look at Mark and MIndy. Mark and MIndy have been in a relationship and living together for some time now. Their relationship is healthy for the most part. Sometimes Mindy gets mad at Mark and Mark is often caught off guard.

One day, Mindy decided that she wanted Mark to do the dishes more. Mindy felt like she was doing them all the time. Mindy decided that she was going to leave the dishes in the sink and thought for sure that if Mark would see them he would automatically know to do them. 

The dishes stayed in the sink through the afternoon and into the night, Mindy felt annoyed. The next morning Mindy, wanting to hold strong to her decision,  made herself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table to give Mark another chance to pick up what she was putting down. As she sat drinking her coffee she watched Mark walk by the sink, once then twice, completely ignoring the dishes. Eventually, Mindy began to fume.  

Finally she couldn’t take it. She said, “Mark, why have you not done the dishes yet! I have been wanting you to do the dishes!” Mark, appearing like a deer in headlights, said “Uh…what?” To which Mindy replied, “I have been wanting you to do the dishes since last night, You see them in the sink, why have you not done them??” With a very confused look Mark said, “I did not know you wanted me to do them. You never asked me to.” 

As you can see MIndy made a decision about what it was that she wanted but she refused to communicate that to Mark thinking he would be able to just know or to be able read her mind. The simple solution, or so it seems, would have been for MIndy to ask Mark, “Hey Mark, can you do the dishes tonight?” Even though a solution seems simple, it isn’t always easy. It would take a little bit more effort on Mindy’s part to ask Mark, and it could feel uncomfortable. 

Mindy learned from this interaction that it wasn’t that Mark didn’t want to do them or that he was not doing them despite her but that he just didn’t know what she was wanting. Something that seemed so clear to Mindy was not clear to Mark. Mindy did not want to have to ask Mark to do the dishes but she knew that if she didn’t she would risk upsetting herself even more, so she chose to begin asking. 

When Mindy made what she wanted known, Mark was happy to oblige for the most part. And because MIndy made it clear that it was helpful for Mark to take dishes sometimes, over time Mark began doing them without being asked. 

Wanting others to read our mind.

We want others to read our mind because it takes a little more effort to make what we want and how we feel known. Believe me I want people to read my mind too, but they just can’t. We make decisions in our head all the time but don’t let anyone in on them and then we find ourselves upset. Letting people in on what we are thinking, feeling and wanting can be uncomfortable but the advantages seem to greatly outweigh the disadvantages. 

The Double Bind.

The second example, called a double bind, is when we send people the message that we both want and don’t want them to do something, which leaves the person stuck and somewhat frozen for fear that they may choose wrong. 

We will use Mark and Mindy again. MIndy wants Mark to help out more with the daily tasks around the house. But Mindy is a hard worker and likes to be busy. She enjoys completing tasks and feels more settled when everything gets done in the way she likes and in a certain amount of time. 

Mindy has made it known to Mark that she wants more help. She will say, “I need more help from you, I need you to do more.” She complains to Mark about all the things he is not doing, but then she resumes her usual task completion routine. Her behavior makes it hard for Mark to figure out what exactly she needs help with because she seems to have it all covered. 

A few days later Mindy complains again, but again she takes up all the tasks and gets everything done as usual. The truth is that Mindy was hesitant to allow someone to help her. Deep down she felt fearful that if she gave tasks to Mark he would not complete them and felt relief when everything was done the way she wanted. 

Mindy often found herself upset because Mark was not helping. But Mindy did not recognize that she was sending Mark two messages at the same time. She was sending the message that she both wanted and didn’t want the help. What was Mark to do? Mark, in fact, did not want to upset Mindy but was in a double bind and was stuck. 

The solution here seems simple too, if Mindy would let go of some of the tasks she regularly completes, Mark could take up some of those to complete. But again a solution can be simple but not easy.

Mindy would first recognize that she is sending Mark mixed messages. Recognizing that she is holding onto her routine which prevents Mark from helping. She can then take a look at what she is really willing to give up, even if it’s hard. If she chooses to give some things up she will feel a bit of discomfort, but it will be the only way for Mark to step in to help her.

The second option would be for her to continue to do everything, considering that she finds pleasure in getting things done, and let Mark off the hook so that she can avoid getting upset. 

Mindy chose the first option. She, a little reluctantly, decided what tasks she was willing to give up and talked to Mark about it. Mark agreed to the tasks and began completing them instead of MIndy.  Mindy noticed it was uncomfortable at first, but she began to recognize that overtime it got easier. And she began to feel relieved that she had more help. 

Sending others the mixed messages.

With the first example, when we choose not to communicate, the other does not receive the message because one was not sent. With the double bind we send mixed messages, or two conflicting messages. This causes confusion for the other person causing them to hesitate to act and do anything at all for fear that they will choose wrong. 

Conclusion

With both examples WE sometimes put the other person in a position where they can’t or don’t know how to respond. WE are left feeling frustrated and upset and blame the other person for our upsetness. If WE can be more aware of the messages we are sending or not sending we may be able to send better messages that will relieve ourselves and the other person of any confusion and upset. Of course there is the choice to stay the same too. It is always your choice.

Find a therapist in your area:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/

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Lacey C Sonnier

Hi! I am Lacey. I am just a regular person who happens to work as a mental health counselor. I’m here to share with you stories, ways to cope, or a different perspective to maybe help change the way you think.

https://laceycsonnier.com
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