Communication tips: Becoming a better communicator.

Written By Lacey C Sonnier

Two people will both be speaking the same language but they will be missing each other the whole time. It’s no wonder why so many relationships don’t survive. Why not choose to become a better communicator. It’s not the easy way but it could help you to get in touch with who you are and your needs, it can build trust in your relationships, and confidence in you.

What does communication entail exactly?

Communication at its most basic level is the sending and receiving of messages. But it’s not one person receiving and one person sending, both parties have to be willing to do both. A lot of times the barrier happens when one or both persons want to send and refuse to receive. 

And it’s not just about sending and receiving, it is also how we send a receive. I think about baseball when I think about communication. You have two players on the same team throwing the ball back and forth to warm up. 

In order for the ball to be thrown back and forth smoothly, each player has to make eye contact, give minimal cues (small behavioral cues) to the other person letting them know they are ready, alert, and willing to catch the ball. Each player has to open their glove in order to receive the throw, and each throw is purposeful and thrown in a way that the other person can receive it. 

There is no looking away, turning backs, closing or dropping gloves, throwing wild throws, or extremely hard targeted throws that are unexpected and out of the range of receiving. Because this would defeat the purpose of trying to connect, become better together, and it may cause loss of trust between players.

Communication is like this. It is a lot easier to walk away, turn your back, send pointed messages, no message at all, or refuse to listen. It takes a little more effort to become a better communicator and choose to do all the things that feel a little harder than walking away. 

If you are interested in becoming a better communicator, here are a few communication tips that could help you in any relationship.

Communication tips:

  1. Choose to be a better communicator. You can’t be a better communicator unless you first decide that you want to be one because it doesn’t just happen. Even though it takes effort, it is beneficial in more ways than you can think of. It helps you get more in touch with your needs, with the other person, it can build trust, and help you to be more confident.

  2. When communicating something important to you sometimes timing matters. We may have a complaint or something that is bothering us and we want to get it out right away. We are focused on our discomfort and how we can make that go away. But it may not go well if our timing is off. For example, you give in to your feelings and you start calling or rage texting someone while they are at work. Sometimes when our timing is off, we will be creating a barrier before the communication even begins. I also notice we often, maybe subconsciously, choose bad timing to decrease the chance of coming to a solution so that our complaints and beliefs can be reinforced. We can then say something like, “I told you you never listen.”

  3. Choosing not to communicate verbally. Sometimes we choose not to communicate because maybe it’s uncomfortable or maybe we are wanting the other person to read our mind. But when we choose not to communicate we set others up for failure because they couldn’t possibly meet our expectations because they don’t know them and we set ourselves up for getting upset. So, choose to say what you want. 

  4. Coming in hot. Sometimes we really want the other person to know how we feel or what we are upset about, but if we begin a conversation with our emotions running high, it is likely that nothing will be accomplished. When two people are in their emotions rational thinking goes out the window and the emotions, when they are flaring, become a barrier. Sometimes this also happens when we really don’t want to come to a solution, we just want to blame and accuse. If what you want to say and the relationship matter to you, then try and wait till your emotions have settled down. It will be more productive. 

  5. Accusing. Have you ever noticed that when you use the word “you” when trying to get your point across the other person becomes defensive? When you enter a conversation and use the word you, “you aren’t doing this are that,” “you never…” “you are so…” The other person will almost immediately feel accused and attacked. Especially if the tone the other person is using has a tenge of anger, disgust, or disappointment in it. When using the word you, you are making the  other person responsible for the way you feel. Maybe you have heard of “I statements.” “I” statements originated through the work of Carl Rogers and the term was coined by Thomas Gordon. These statements are a way of communicating that helps the person making the complaint take responsibility for the way they feel and prevent them from blaming the other person. An example could be, “I feel angry when you don’t text me back because I think it means you don’t care.”

  6. Watch your tone of voice when sending your message. Being aware of your tone of voice can make all the difference in an exchange. You could say the same thing to someone and if your tone of voice is not good it could have very different results. If I go into a conversation and I have an underlying current of anger or disgust for example, the other person can feel that pretty quickly and will put up their guard to prepare for what is to come. But if my tone is one of consideration, understanding, and patience the other person can feel that too and that allows them to put their guard down. 

  7. Understanding. If you commit to trying to understand the other person it can make a huge difference. If I go into a conversation with the goal of getting my point across only, that will block communication because I am wanting to send my message and am not interested in receiving. A lot of times that is the agenda, I want you to hear what I am saying but I don’t really care what you have to say. That is not a two way line, it’s a one way. One way communicating is not communicating. If you can change your mentality to “ok, I want to share what I am thinking, but I also want to understand where they are coming from,” you will have opened the lines of communication. When you go into a conversation like this the other person can feel it and see your intentions and they will be more open to having a conversation because they can see that you are interested in what they have to say too. They are less likely to have their guard up. 

  8. Letting the other person know you have received their message. Being aware of how you are sending your message is important but it is also worth paying attention to how or if you are receiving a message. If you get defensive when someone sends you a message this is a block. If you are communicating with someone and you notice they keep repeating themselves and say relatively the same thing again and again, it is likely that they are not feeling heard and acknowledged. If a person sends you a message and you defend or explain yourself it may compel the other person to repeat their complaint. It creates a loop that doesn’t close. In this situation, to close the loop, repeating back to the other person (even if you don’t want to) what you are hearing can close the loop. For example, “You feel angry when I don’t text you back.” If they say, “yes” or “exactly” you have closed the loop. You don’t have to agree with them. Many times a person is more so wanting to be acknowledged in their complaint or request than anything. In fact, you may see their shoulders drop some if they have felt as if their message has been received and acknowledged. 

  9. Letting go of pride. Pride is a barrier to communicating. Period. If we can’t listen and we choose to defend, we aren’t communicating. If we want to be right every time we will struggle with communication. It is just not realistic that a person is right absolutely every time. If we are willing to put our pride aside and choose to hear another person out, or choose to see if there is any truth to what the other person is saying, because there likely is, we will be creating a different atmosphere for communication. An atmosphere that will likely increase trust but could also offer us information that could be helpful for our own growth. We may not always like what we hear but it may be true. These little tidbits could be the things we really need to know if we want to be better in our relationship and become better communicators.

  10. Continuing to make an effort and learning from mistakes. Communicating better takes time and practice. Mistakes will be made and you may revert to old habits, but that’s ok. If you keep going, you will see the results and the results will become the motivator to keep on going.


It is not about becoming a perfect communicator, it is simply about making a commitment to try. You just do the best you can and observe what is working and what isn’t. 

Conclusion

Communicating is hard no matter if you choose to do it or not. Why not begin to make it easier on yourself and choose to practice being a better communicator. When communicating with others, we have to be willing not only to send a message but to receive them too, even if we don’t like what we are hearing. There are many ways we can become better communicators if we are willing to try. The goal is not perfection, it is just to use every interaction as a way to learn and to become a little better each time. Because it may not always be comfortable, but it is worth it. 


 
Lacey C Sonnier

Hi! I am Lacey. I am just a regular person who happens to work as a mental health counselor. I’m here to share with you stories, ways to cope, or a different perspective to maybe help change the way you think.

https://laceycsonnier.com
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