3 benefits of practicing better communication.

Written By Lacey C Sonnier

Relationships are hard no doubt about it. Communication issues can make them even harder. Communication issues is one of if not the number one complaint of people seeking couples counseling. But communication issues can happen in any relationship. 

What is communication? 

To communicate is to send and receive messages or information, behaviorally, verbally, emotionally. It is how we connect and disconnect. 

Some of the problems that arise in communication are the way that we send our message to another person and our willingness to receive the messages we are sent by the other person. In order for communication to be productive you have to be willing to do both. 

We tend to think we are communicating well when we are able to let people know what we are thinking and feeling. But the way in which we do that may sour the communication line. We may accuse, blame, threaten, belittle, or just let our emotions over take the conversation. 

We also believe that it's ok when we choose not to communicate at all. This choice still sends a message. In some cases it may be necessary but in others it may feel passive aggressive to the other person or that they are being purposefully ignored, which doesn’t usually help the situation. You may not be sending a message verbally but you are sending a message in your choice not to communicate which can be felt. 

Developing better communication skills.

Developing better communication skills is not easy but it is possible. What it will mean is that you make the choice to communicate your messages in a non threatening way, but you are also willing to receive what the other person has to say whether you like it or not. 

Deciding that it is time to communicate with someone about something important can be complicated and scary. Questions may arise in the process. 

What do I want to say? What am I needing and wanting? What am I feeling? What words should I use to convey my point? How should I say it? Should I say it nicely or should I be firm? And when is it a good time to do this? Should I wait till they seem ready or should I just go for it no matter if they're ready or not? Should I wait till later in the day or in the morning? Should I do it over the phone, in person, or through text? UGH!

It is not easy to communicate your needs, wants, and feelings. It’s not always fun. But the more you do it the easier it gets. And the alternative is usually not great so the benefits tend to outweigh the costs. 

Becoming a better communicator does take effort, a little practice, and can sometimes feel uncomfortable. But the benefits outweigh the costs. Here are 3 benefits of choosing to practice being a better communicator in any relationship.

Benefit #1:

To get what you want. Unfortunately, we cannot read each other's minds. Believe me I wish we could. It would be so nice if others just knew what I was wanting, thinking, and feeling without having to tell them. We are all guilty of wanting others to read our minds, because it takes effort to speak up and sometimes it can be uncomfortable. 

But it’s either we are uncomfortable while speaking up or annoyed because we are not getting what we want, we have to pick one. It is kind of crazy to think that we set expectations for the people in our life but we never let them in on it and then get mad when they don’t do what we want. 

This goes back to the example of Mark and Mindy in a previous post. Mindy let the dishes pile up in the sink for a few days because she wanted Mark to do them. She didn’t want to ask him. He would walk by them again and again without stopping to do them. Mindy would get more and more angry the longer this went on. Finally, she confronted him saying, “Why haven’t you done the dishes?” His response was “You never told me to.” This is true.  

She set an expectation in her mind of what she wanted Mark to do but she never told him. She set Mark up for failure and set herself up for getting angry. In this instance there was no message to be received because Mindy chose not to send one. 

When couples come into counseling, there is usually one person who feels angry because their needs are not being met by the other person. But when I ask, “did you tell them what you were needing?” The answer is usually no. I am always amazed and perplexed by that, but I also know it’s not easy. 

Here are some questions to ponder: can you really expect another person to know exactly what you are thinking and feeling or needing and wanting without telling them? Does it make sense to get mad at a person for not being able to read your mind? 

Another quick story, I saw a woman on TV recently, and it was obvious that she wanted her partner to help her clean the house. But she never said anything to him, she never asked for help. You could tell she wanted him to just join her and just know that that’s what she wanted because she appeared to be working really hard right in front of him to try and get his attention. 

Well, the longer he took to get it, the angrier she got. So she began to work around the house even harder, huffing and puffing all the way into a rage. And he never picked up on what she was putting down. He appeared oblivious, having ZERO clue as to what was happening. 

I kept thinking, just tell him you need his help for the love of goodness. But no that is not what happened, she just stewed her way into a frenzy. 

Even if the answer would have been no, at least it would have opened up the opportunity to discuss other options or to find another day,to come to a compromise together.  

I think we are all guilty of deciding we want something, keeping it to ourselves, and then concocting these elaborate stories in our minds and running  with it. All the while, leaving the other person completely in the dark about it. Wouldn’t it be better if we allow the other person in on the story that they are part of so they can have a chance to confirm or deny what we are thinking?

And this goes for any relationship with anybody. 

Benefit # 2

Communicating is another form of intimacy and a way to build trust. It puts you in a vulnerable position to share with your partner how you feel or what it is that you want and need. It is also good when you do because you're saying to the other person, this relationship is important to me, without even saying it. 

Part of communicating is also being the receiver of the other person's message. We all love to be the sender.  But for communication to be productive, you have to be the receiver too. And sometimes in that position we don’t get the answer we want, but that is ok. Maybe it opens up an opportunity to work towards a common ground. 

When you are able to send and receive each other messages you are establishing a sense of safety within the relationship. You know you won’t be attacked for sharing your thoughts and feelings. 

And if you are unsure about a relationship, communication may help you to reach a conclusion a little bit faster. 

Benefit #3

Communicating helps you to become more confident in who you are and more in touch with what you need and want. I realize we don’t always know what we need, a big part of your confidence will come from figuring that out and being able to communicate it. 

A lot of us don’t know what we need at any given moment. Getting in touch with yourself to sort that out will make communicating easier. Maybe you need more quality one on one time, even if it’s just for a few hours a week. Maybe you need more help with something. Maybe it’s even time to yourself. It can feel empowering to be clear on what it is that you need AND be able to communicate that to someone. 

Taking some time to reflect on it if you don’t know could help. Writing things down may help you to get a little clearer. 

There is no exact right way to say things, just being willing to try is a good first step.The more you do it the better you get, and this will spread to other relationships in your life as well. 

Conclusion

Communicating in a relationship is not easy and it’s not always fun, it can take courage and some vulnerability. It also takes some reflecting and getting in touch with what it is you are needing and wanting or thinking and feeling. But the benefits are worth it. Being able to communicate with another person makes it more likely you are to get what you want in the relationship. It can also strengthen your relationships. And the best part, it builds confidence in you.  


 
Lacey C Sonnier

Hi! I am Lacey. I am just a regular person who happens to work as a mental health counselor. I’m here to share with you stories, ways to cope, or a different perspective to maybe help change the way you think.

https://laceycsonnier.com
Previous

It’s ok to take things personally.
Next

Are you setting yourself up for being upset?