“I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

Negative emotions not allowed.

Sometimes we don’t want to accept what we are feeling. During moments in our lives where we perceive our emotions to be ‘negative,’ or any emotion that causes discomfort such as anxiety, anger, sadness, shame. When a client comes in, they don’t even have to say it, I can easily pick up on when they are judging themselves for feeling the way they feel or they are saying to themselves “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” 

Maybe because I am all too familiar with this way of responding to my feelings. During my first few years of practicing counseling I had to facilitate groups, if I wanted consistent work as a new counselor, this was one of the few options available. Throughout my time learning and facilitating groups I had a love hate relationship with it. Facilitating groups had always been a struggle for me and I was dreading having to do it, but hopeful that I would get better with time. 

When I started my first part time job as a counselor, I had to facilitate at least 3 groups a day, on average 3 days a week. My anxiety was at an 8 or a 9 at the start of the group and much of the time it would last until the group was over. I constantly watched the clock to be relieved at the end of the group momentarily only for the anxiety to return at the start of the next group. I wish I could say the anxiety disappeared over time but I didn’t get much relief. There were moments when it got better but returned just as quickly. This went on and months that turned into years. 

While getting my Masters, one of my peers had introduced the idea of imposter syndrome to me, which I had never heard of. I wondered if this was the reason for the anxiety, so I purchased ‘The Imposter Cure’ by Dr. Jessamy Hibberd to find out more. Something that hit me hard right away was that I was misinterpreting my feelings. Dr. Hibberd says that a person with imposter syndrome will interpret discomfort of any kind (even though it may be a normal response to a new challenging situation) as meaning they are not good enough or are failing in some way. 

I hold the label imposter syndrome loosely, like I do any label, but it was helpful to know what was going on. This inability to make space for normal human emotions even when doing something new and out of my comfort zone is also connected to perfectionism. 

I had been afraid of speaking in front of large groups most of my life, and here I was facilitating 3 groups a day, having never done it before. It seems likely that this would cause some discomfort. But this anxiety was not ok to me. Basically it should not be happening because to me it meant I was inadequate. 

After reading her book, I felt a little silly that I was not allowing myself to have normal emotions.

Some of us struggle to allow ourselves to be human. With clients in session, whether it is anger, grief, anxiety, or sadness, one of the first hurdles is letting it be ok that you feel a certain way. It is not easy, but a necessary first step. 

You can’t really predict how you are going to feel in any given situation. Is it ok with you that you feel the way you feel? Or are you judging yourself for it. 

In David Burns, M.D.’s book, “When Panic Attacks”, he calls it emotional perfectionism. 

Emotional Perfectionism: “I should always feel happy, confident, and in control,” (Burns, 2006, page 429).

I know that I was not making room for any negative feelings, ever. Angry? Unacceptable. Period. Shame? You're worthless if you feel shame. Sad? You should not be sad. 

This is a form of all or nothing thinking. In order for my life to be good, I cannot experience negative emotions.” Is that realistic?

For women, it seems even more difficult to have normal human emotions because of what is expected of us. That’s the pits. 

What I have come to recognize in clients and in myself is that the more we try to ignore, suppress, or deny what we are feeling the more of a struggle with our feelings we enter into. Our emotions come to control us, not the other way around. But also these feelings don’t just go away. 

This reminds me of when people say, “It takes a lot for me to get angry.” When people say this I almost always feel immediately skeptical. In my experience with this, personally and professionally, it probably doesn’t take that much to get you angry but it takes a lot for you to acknowledge your anger and honor it leading you to eventually explode because you have been ignoring it for so long. 

Anger is a taboo feeling and has been made into a negative thing that no one wants to admit. Some people flat out refuse to acknowledge when they are angry. I try to help people see that it is not just a negative feeling. It is there for a reason. In a positive light, anger can help you to set boundaries, it can help people advocate for things in the name of justice, it can help you feel motivated to take action, it is a signal that your values are being challenged.

Our feelings are there to stay, so it may be more helpful to be curious about them and learn what they are trying to tell you rather than ignoring them. To practice accepting being human can also be a good thing, some of us have a hard time with that. 

Someone once shared with me the analogy of a ball on a swing. If you hold a ball on a string in front of you and push it away slowly how will the ball come back? Slowly. And what about if you push it away hard, how will the ball return? It will come back hard and you will probably have to duck because it is swinging straight towards your face. This is true about your feelings. 

When we push our feelings away with all our might, they will come back stronger and we will feel out of control of them. And it will become a vicious cycle. 

I can remember the first time I recognized that I felt hate, like true hate. I immediately said to myself, “Oh god, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” I kind of panicked really, then I shoved it down as best I could and I distracted myself with something else. Not too many days later, BAM, there it was again. And again I pushed it down and ignored it, feeling fearful of what it meant and all the bad things it would say about me as a person. My training in counseling didn’t stop me from trying to avoid this emotion. But eventually it did help me to allow it to exist and to become more curious about it. When I did that, its strength and power over me decreased considerably. And what I learned about this hate was that it had nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with what I was judging and unable to accept in myself. Which was quite valuable. 

There may be times where it is appropriate to ignore our feelings momentarily. But it could be beneficial if we make it a point to revisit these feelings at a later time to be curious about them. 

Conclusion

Some of us have a hard time acknowledging and making space for what we are feeling, especially if it is perceived to be negative. We live by the line of thinking that our life will be good if we can be happy, confident, comfortable, and in control all of the time. But is this realistic? It takes a lot of energy to shove and keep our emotions down. If we can make room for them and be curious about them the struggle can eventually stop. 

Psychology today. 

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References

Burns, D. D. (2007). When panic attacks: The new, drug-free anxiety therapy that can change your life. Harmony Books. 

McLaren, Karla (2010). The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Soundstrue.